when I was a child, we had a pecan tree in our yard

we only ate the pecans

sometimes

usually we stepped on the shells

and they cracked

under our feet

and I picked up the fallen pecans

with my small hands

so they didn’t kill the grass

squirrels built their nests in the tree.

he called it “a colony.”

he took a B.B. gun

and shot the squirrels out of their nests

one

by

one

that was our tree. 

we only ate the pecans

sometimes

when I was eleven 

there was a nest in the chimney

chimney swifts

they screeched and shouted for their mother

he took them out of the chimney and put them in a box in the back yard

under the pecan tree

the mother would not come get them

they screamed all night and

we found most of them dead in the morning

all but one

he told me it was because he touched them 

he said, if you touch them

the mother won’t come back

I wonder why he had known that and touched them anyways

The one that lived, I named her skyler

I made a shoe box home for her

I put a brick inside for her to climb, so she could learn to live in our chimney again

where she belonged

her mother would have caught mosquitoes while she flew and vomited them back into her daughter’s mouth but, her mother

didn’t want her anymore

so I mashed up worms for her

but it wasn’t the same

a house someone else prepares for you never is quite enough

she died one week later. 

I thought about how one day her mother would’ve pushed her out of the nest anyways, but she would’ve been ready because she would’ve been strong from eating so much mosquito vomit. 

when I was younger

I started hoarding

I still do it

sometimes I wake up surrounded by bottles and trash and cords

one time I laid on an island of a mattress in a room full of debris next to a boy with a needle in his arm

and I thought about homes

I asked him to hold me

a nest

and he shot up again

a nest

mine was only temporary and his would close in around him until it cut off his circulation

sometimes other people would come into my space and they would clean up my mess

while I was gone

they thought they were helping

it was love, they said

helping me hide my shame was the love

but when I got home to the house I didn’t clean it didn’t feel like my nest

a house someone else prepares for you is never quite enough

when ants make their nests

they carry the grains of sand one by one

they make it over months and years

in the third grade, we used to step in them on the playground and watch the ants scatter

Orkin says

Paper wasps are considered beneficial because they assist in pollination by feeding on nectar, and they control pest insect populations by feeding them to their larvae. However, despite their ecological benefits, paper wasp nests should not be permitted to develop in or near the home. 

this morning I woke up 

on an island of a mattress 

surrounded by my nesting materials

the hardest part of the day is when you throw off the blanket and make the decision to push yourself out of the warmth

and into the world

the first nest was the womb

and I’ve been looking for the new one

ever since